Friday, 30 May 2014

The ten people who should get off Facebook

Hi all! I hope you are all well. I've had this blog idea mulling around in my head for some time now and I thought I would put it up. I have to say I will love writing this up, sometimes, a good old rant is really needed. It will be slightly bitchy and very sarcastic, but that's half the fun. It's meant to be taken in good humour. In the Digital Age, Facebook is an important staple by which people document their lives, achievements and grievances with the world. We can connect with those near and far, meet new people and reconnect with old faces. Facebook can be great, unless you run into any of the ten below:

The Babybooker:
Maybe it's because I don't particularly ''like'' children, but I dread seeing these people come up on my timeline. The doting mother and fathers who simply have the cutest little child in the world and will ''break hearts''. I relish the days where children's progress was documented by a good ol' disposable camera and a camcorder. These have been replaced with phone photos of their children doing the most mundane activities, and shared with people, to delicately put it, really couldn't care less. It's maybe also down to my personal preference of preferring solid photos that could be special and looked back on with awe, instead of shared with strangers on the Internet. The worst thing I've ever seen put up was a photo of a used potty from some doting, probably well meaning mother, but, just no. *gag*.

The Life Quotes girl:
We all have this girl on our timeline, I'm sure of it. Look at this girl's profile carefully, any statuses that's put up is usually washed away in a midst of ''meaningful'' life quotes, that are so generic, with a sunset background, of course. What's a meaningful quote without a sunset photo? I ask you. I find these to be patronising and meaningless, especially when said girl, does not live by those words. Marilyn Monroe is her icon, she believes karma is the answer to everything, and loves a good sunset. She's been through every struggle humanely possible. 

Don't even bother with meaningful quotes if it doesn't have a bitching sunset background.

The Whinger:
Thankfully, the whingers don't come up so much on my timeline, as they have been smartly unfriended for my own sanity. These people are never happy or satisfied. They will always find something to mope vaguely about, usually about things that can be easily fixed, like hunger. Why bore us all with your dramas? Which you never bother to elaborate on because ''It doesn't matter </3'' or ''It's nothing to do with you!'' Then, don't put up a vague status about it. A fascinating sub category of The Whinger is the ''Won't somebody please think of the children?! mother'' The mothers who find a way to get offended about everything in life as it might damage their frail child's psyche. I've noticed a neat trend of The Whinger, the more
 vague statues that go up, the less people 'like' them and comment. If you want to stop The Whinger, the answer is pretty clear.

The Angry All Day, Everyday:
Similar to The Whinger in vagueness and attention seeking. The Angry All Day, Everyday, is on a constant rager, and she wants you to know. The '':@ face'' and Caps Lock is his/her bread and butter. They love to splay their dramas, usually with boys, fake friends or their inability that they ''just dnt knw who 2 trust nemoree...:(''. It's no use trying to soothe them, you will rile them up and it's just no use. It lacks class and dignity. That being said, I have met some Angry All Day, Everyday's in person, and for a fraction of those encounters, they are quite calm and lovely. However it's something about Facebook that turns them in to a cute ball of hatred. 

The Friday/Monday announcer: 
This person works like clockwork. On Sunday evenings and Monday mornings, the feel compelled to tell the world how ''they are dreading work'' and ''don't want the weekend to end'', with the odd ''fml'' thrown in for good measure. Friday evenings are a completely different ballgame, with 5pm ''TGIF!'' statuses taking over the timeline, they then tell us how absolutely hammered they plan to be. It's the constant bi-weekly same statuses that get me, and the fact we all have a calender. Not to mention, just because it's Monday, doesn't mean it'll be crap. The day is what you make it, don't make it a bad day before it even begins. 

The Politician:
These people, gah. Some Facebook Politicians out there believe they are the most sensible and clued up about current affairs as it gets. They tell you why ''their'' party is the best and will ''change everything'' and tell you why your preferred political views, or lack thereof, are awful. I find these people in real life are quite insufferable and patronising. When election season is upon us, Facebook Politicians go into full overdrive and clog up the timeline with links and the like. And by Zeus, if you didn't vote, you are worse than Hitler and double denim rolled into one, you awful person.

The Competitor:
The lure of winning free stuff is there in us all, who doesn't love free stuff? You have to be in it to win it, of course. But there are some people out there that take it too far and take up the timeline with their entries, and they more often than not, don't win jack shit. Local shop competitions are grand when it's all legit. But some Facebook competitions are absolutely absurd. The ones like ''A box of iPhones fell off a back of the truck, we, by some miracle comparable to the conception of the baby Jesus, managed to get our hands on this box, so enter this competition and win one!'' Christ, how gullible do you have to be, honestly?

The Couple:
I am a huge believer in that the less you put up about your relationship, the better. There's nothing worse than the sickeningly ''sweet'' couple that are so super close the profess their inner most feelings for each other via Facebook, gag. They're no stranger to daily couple selfies, checking in on Facebook ''my bed'' with the other half tagged. And when they aren't together, they inform the rest of us, who are absolutely sitting on the edge of our seat with excitement, of how much they miss the other. They are also the couple who are too caught up in each other that they forget their friends, and the couple who when they break up, they despise the sight of each other. What's worse than The Couple? The shared profile. Nothing screams ''I don't trust you'' more than a shared profile, and a shared mailbox.

The Gamer:
Nothing gets my hopes up more than seeing a notification on Facebook and it turns out to be a stupid game request. I think the majority of us are bombarded with requests for Candy Crush Saga, amongst others, and occasionally, the odd blast from the past, Farmville (I should really check on my strawberries from four years ago) the usually have a second profile so they can send themselves gifts. So many of us have expressed our disdain for the requests and don't answer them, so why do they keep on sending requests? Fortunately, this can be easily solved by just blocking them.

The One Like = One Prayer:
These photos are the absolute worst. I believe they exist for two reasons: to promote pointless pages and because gullible people (idiots) believe by sharing this photo, they've done their good deed for the day and they can sleep easy at night. A like does nothing, neither does sharing. If you want to actually help that bad, go out and do something, for goodness sake. It's not only the 1 like = 1 prayer, it's the ''Like to go to Heaven, ignore to go to Hell''. The people who share these photos, there's no nicer word than to describe them as idiots, sorry. Also, it's quite sick to use photos of sick children to garner useless likes on Facebook.

Well, I hope you all liked this post! It was incredibly fun to write up. :) I hope it was read in the lighthearted way that I intended. :)
Who annoys you the most on Facebook?
Thanks for reading,
Stay fab xo
Kim. :)

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